Once in a while, on a perfectly ordinary day, you busy yourself with the motions of your life, probably shopping at the mall or queuing for fuel or whatever it is you get busy with. You are there, in the simplicity of the life you have constructed for yourself post break up, when suddenly, without
warning, you stumble into the ex. If you are lucky, the ex in question would have aged miserably or at least grown bald and pimpled. But if you are not, (and let’s face it, these things hardly travel with luck) the ex looks exactly the same, only this time, shinier, happy, like actually happy. Not that anyone should go about wishing some incurable disease upon their ex, but just generally chin fat here, some flabs there, anything that makes it harder for them to jet off with their stinking rich or super model replacement of you. #Haha
Jokes apart, stumbling into a part of your life you have left behind can be awkward. I would know because I still duck once in a while when I come upon an old classmate or acquaintance from a former life. I have never been sure what to say or how to play catch up with the latest version of people. So imagine where the person you are stumbling into happens to be someone you were once romantically involved with. Where do you start from? What do you say? And beyond being polite, what do you really do with an ex? Like what are the rules or boundaries when it comes to interacting with them? The question kind of crept into a conversation with my girlfriends. One person said past romantic relationships should be buried so deep, that you are never able to reach for it again. Another person thought it was mature and reasonable to stay friends.
So the debate went, complete closure or friend zone?
There was a time I would have opted for friend zone, a time I would have sang cheerily at the prospect of maintaining relationships with people for the sake of not knowing when you may need them. You know, the kind of cheesy, motivational punch line, network your way to the top kind of thing. Except that it doesn’t really work, not with relationships at least. Most people, post break up, (myself inclusive), insist on friendship with ulterior motive. There is always that silent intention, that unspoken hope that the ex will hang around long enough to see what an incredible mistake they have made in leaving you. And because wisdom is often the profit of time and experience, I have learned that keeping a person who wants nothing to do with you only prolongs inevitable heartache.
So, as of today, my stand is complete closure. This is easier said than done in the age of Instagram following, but still, I advocate complete closure, with certain exceptions if you are able to answer the following questions.
1. Where you friends first? If you had always been friends before getting intimate, then you are likely to revert back to being friends. Not that it’s easy, but its a scenario that makes it workable.
2. Is there a shared outcome of the relationship? Like a child or a business? Obviously, you have to stay connected one way or the other if the relationship produced a child. There is no excuse to keep a child away from one parent. Absolutely none.
3. Do you move in unavoidably similar circles? You have to agree, it will be ridiculous to remain sworn enemies who fight publicly and throw shades every other day if you both work in a similar industry or move around the same circle. You could save your colleagues the embarrassment and find a way to stay cordial. So friend zone, definitely.
4. Have you moved on? Not that moving on is this thing that is ever clearly defined. I know someone who in a four year relationship, continues to dream about his former girlfriend. So, if you are sure that you are completely over an ex, it might be okay to maintain a cordial friendship. But like I said, its a tricky thing, the mind and the heart often has its way around each other.
5. Has time passed? Because you never truly get over a relationship that has not been severed by time and distance. An ex who gives you distance, no matter how painful it seems initially, has done you the greatest favour. Take advantage. Only after distance and time can you forge ahead with friendship.
The list is not exhaustive, I’m sure there are other instances that makes it okay to stay friends with your ex. Though I think these kind of friendships should be heavily guarded. I think some parts of our lives should be left behind, so that we can truly embrace, without weight or burden, then endless possibilities of the future.
But I would love to get your opinion and learn. Is it okay to stay friends with an ex? Drop your answers in the comment section.
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